4/30/12

I look at this picture and I see myself standing on the bridge as my eyes are wrapped by a small cloth. I feel the calm wind the water whispering down the river thinking to myself "Is this it, is this where my heart finally stops?". Have I finally been beaten down to the point where I can't live my life in happiness anymore, that inside me is just a black hole with the last little piece of myself going deeper and deeper in nothingness...

Every time that I come home my depression kicks in hard like this is the only place where my heart can cry out, my mind takes over as these four walls surround me. I try to ease myself by watching some funny videos or doing a little work out but nothing works. I haven't even had the urge to play video games or do commentaries for my Youtube viewers yet I force myself and act like someone I know I'm really am not. I know I'm not myself anymore because I am not care free anymore, happy, dominant that I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished so far......look at me, I'm nothing but a hopeless worthless man.

I hate coming home I dislike coming here. Maybe its because of the way I feel or the fact that my previous actions led me to come back here. I really want to just leave her, run away from it all, run away from myself. I've been sleeping in my car the past few days seeing if that helps but nothing works. Its like I can never run away from this feeling inside me. Have I honestly lost it this time, I am I never coming back? Will I ever come back? Will I ever be saved?

I honestly don't know why I keep writing about how I feel or doing Youtube videos or anything when there is always one simple solution....yet why hasn't it happened........