4/19/12

MY FIRST BLOG EVER!

I've been wanting to blog about my life and my feelings for a while now because I feel like others in the world might understand how this one person, myself feels. So please bear with me because I'm just going to write out whatever comes into my mind...

Lately I feel like everything has gone down the drain, mainly my heart and feelings for this one girl. I met her threw my current job Gamestop. I thought to myself "Hey! She seems like a person I could be friends with, why not be open again like I used to be" and I did. We talked, texted each other. She would send me retarted ones but I thought they were funny. Then one day she wanted to hang out at her place which was a huge surprise to me because it was so sudden so I said yes. I was nervous because I had to see her folks for the first time so i'm like "Ok be respectful, kind and yourself". Everything went well that night, we talked watched some tv and then we fell asleep on her bed! I woke up the next morning concerned because I didn't want to get her in trouble or make myself look bad in front of her folks. Nothing really happened and I went home.

I went back a few times getting to know her more. I learned that she just got out of a relationship so i'm like ok imma just comfort her and try to make her happy and not worry about her ex and all. That is where my mistake started. Me and her got really close, we looked like a couple to be honest. I started getting feelings more, we hung out a whole lot more, ate at restaurants, went out to the club and danced. She was shy but she broke it :) I even took her out for Valentines Day, got her a jewelry box and a necklace to go with it. I wrote something on both yet I can't remember them. I know the necklace which was heart shaped said "And It Belongs To You". Yeah I know "awwwwww" from any girls reading this haha. My feelings for her got stronger and stronger. I even lost my virginity to her because I felt like she was gonna be the one. I'm currently 22 years old. We were great for the few months that we were like this.

Come last week she starts remembering her ex, how she felt like it was meant to be that they were gonna have a future together, you know all that stuff. She regretted all the things she did with that person. She started telling me she didn't feel uncomfortable with some of the things we did which upset me and not in the negative way but in the way which i'm like "okay, you need your space I'm sorry if we rushed things to quickly". Then just a couple days ago she just wanted to be friends and not like a couple-ish type thing like best friends with benefits if you wanna say it like that. I was hurt and really sad about it but seeing as how I can overcome sadness like this due to my past I stayed positive and try to work it out. We hung out a few times even made her tacos that she loved the last time I made her some. I love cooking so I really didn't mind it at all.

Last night she was feeling upset about her ex and that fact that her mother had texted her which didn't make the situation any better. I asked her if she wanted to take a walk around the apartments b/c she was staying at her friends house and she said yes. We walked around, talked about what happened and basically the question I was gonna ask her was answered before I can even say it. She would go back with him........I stayed quiet as we walked with mixed feelings inside me. I felt like it was all a waste of time, like I was used but I think every guy feels like that way when you really liked a girl that much. She wanted me to talked but I kept saying "There's nothing more I wanna say to you" We sat on some grass and she started crying. I don't know if it was because of me, her ex or the face that she hurt me and she knew it. I stood their looking at the pool which was being shined by a lamp post, if not the dark gloomy sky as the wind blew. I felt rain drops so I begged her to get up and go back to the car of her friends. We went to the car and listened to music for about an hour or two. I was sitting their debating weather to stay as just a friend or just leave......I left without saying goodbye.

I always wondered to myself, am I gonna stay like this forever where I meet someone and then it all just ends just like that. Am I doing something wrong to make it always end this way. Sometimes I think of myself as a giver more then a receiver. I'm way to nice to people sometimes and yet I feel like its my curse. I enjoy helping people but I never ask for anything back and when I mean helping people I mean always being their for them, helping them in their troubles. I feel like I have some much bottled up inside me that I wish I could just rip it out of myself and throw it away. I'm not upset with her or anyone really mainly just because its not their fault. I took the risk and well this is how it ended up. Maybe one day this curse of mine that I have can finally be broken but for now I just have to move on and keep going towards my dream.