5/5/12

Just like in the Kingdom Hearts series (Yes I am a huge fan of the game don't judge me!!!! >:O ) there is always a tiny of bit of light in all darkness. A couple days ago when I think about it now I feel like I let out my final cries, sadness and depression out of my mind and heart. One of those nights I was feeling really down and alone so I decided to go to the gym in downtown winston-salem. I didnt go to the gym but I took a walk around town threw the dark streets, threw many alleyways just thinking to myself "Let something bad happen to me and take me away from this world" I wanted someone else to do it for me which sounds pathetic I know but you have to understand that everyone, men, woman and animal and even you goes threw alot of things in life that can make you think that way. I walked up in front of a church, a really big one and pretty old in my opinion and looked at as I can closer to it. The night was dark while the clouds thundered with its tremors of sound. I walked up to it afraid, my heart beating thinking will I be shot down in front of the doors of my god. I looked up at the huge tall door and touched it. I closed my eyes and did the cross sign on my chest as I looked down. I walked off feeling like something was going to come out. I walked the streets some more, the wind was getting stronger with every step I took. I was scared thinking to myself "Is it going to grab me and drag me into a place no one ever wants to be?". I kept going but when I think about it now I feel like all the darkness, what was making me feel this way was being taken out of me with each strong gust and step I took. I got to my car, sat there for a few minutes and drove home.


I went to get food, Taco Bell of course because there were still a large amount in depressions in me. Once I got home and I really can't remember either I or her texted one another and I honestly broke down not wanting to eat what I had left I cried I felt alone I punched my bed and punched it and punched it as I cried. I couldn't take it anymore but it made me realize something about myself. It showed me how weak I felt how I shouldn't act this way and for anyone who doesn't understand why I felt that way.....its because I made a promise to her and with my depression, my desperation I was breaking it and I couldn't do that, not to her. I might still have my feelings for her in a chest inside my heart sitting there to maybe be open one day by the key that she has in hers but I can never again make her feel unhappy, never again.


I hide my feelings because I don't want them to get in the way unless I were to ever notice a sign or an event were to happen and even if they did and something were to happen again I know now I would still stand and not fall and be strong, not stubborn and not give up. I have to be the person I was meant to be. To be a better person then my worthless father!


I wanna thank everyone for the kind words that you left me on my last video I uploaded on Youtube to anyone who views my videos. I took down the videos but I saved the comments because I want to remind myself of the awesome people who supported me threw my troubles. I still want to thank her because even though she was part of the situation she still stayed there for me even if she was harsh at times and helped me threw it. I'm way better then I used to be and hopefully to be back to making videos in a week or two. Have a good night or day everyone!!!


-Nelson