5/5/12

Just like in the Kingdom Hearts series (Yes I am a huge fan of the game don't judge me!!!! >:O ) there is always a tiny of bit of light in all darkness. A couple days ago when I think about it now I feel like I let out my final cries, sadness and depression out of my mind and heart. One of those nights I was feeling really down and alone so I decided to go to the gym in downtown winston-salem. I didnt go to the gym but I took a walk around town threw the dark streets, threw many alleyways just thinking to myself "Let something bad happen to me and take me away from this world" I wanted someone else to do it for me which sounds pathetic I know but you have to understand that everyone, men, woman and animal and even you goes threw alot of things in life that can make you think that way. I walked up in front of a church, a really big one and pretty old in my opinion and looked at as I can closer to it. The night was dark while the clouds thundered with its tremors of sound. I walked up to it afraid, my heart beating thinking will I be shot down in front of the doors of my god. I looked up at the huge tall door and touched it. I closed my eyes and did the cross sign on my chest as I looked down. I walked off feeling like something was going to come out. I walked the streets some more, the wind was getting stronger with every step I took. I was scared thinking to myself "Is it going to grab me and drag me into a place no one ever wants to be?". I kept going but when I think about it now I feel like all the darkness, what was making me feel this way was being taken out of me with each strong gust and step I took. I got to my car, sat there for a few minutes and drove home.


I went to get food, Taco Bell of course because there were still a large amount in depressions in me. Once I got home and I really can't remember either I or her texted one another and I honestly broke down not wanting to eat what I had left I cried I felt alone I punched my bed and punched it and punched it as I cried. I couldn't take it anymore but it made me realize something about myself. It showed me how weak I felt how I shouldn't act this way and for anyone who doesn't understand why I felt that way.....its because I made a promise to her and with my depression, my desperation I was breaking it and I couldn't do that, not to her. I might still have my feelings for her in a chest inside my heart sitting there to maybe be open one day by the key that she has in hers but I can never again make her feel unhappy, never again.


I hide my feelings because I don't want them to get in the way unless I were to ever notice a sign or an event were to happen and even if they did and something were to happen again I know now I would still stand and not fall and be strong, not stubborn and not give up. I have to be the person I was meant to be. To be a better person then my worthless father!


I wanna thank everyone for the kind words that you left me on my last video I uploaded on Youtube to anyone who views my videos. I took down the videos but I saved the comments because I want to remind myself of the awesome people who supported me threw my troubles. I still want to thank her because even though she was part of the situation she still stayed there for me even if she was harsh at times and helped me threw it. I'm way better then I used to be and hopefully to be back to making videos in a week or two. Have a good night or day everyone!!!


-Nelson

4/30/12

I look at this picture and I see myself standing on the bridge as my eyes are wrapped by a small cloth. I feel the calm wind the water whispering down the river thinking to myself "Is this it, is this where my heart finally stops?". Have I finally been beaten down to the point where I can't live my life in happiness anymore, that inside me is just a black hole with the last little piece of myself going deeper and deeper in nothingness...

Every time that I come home my depression kicks in hard like this is the only place where my heart can cry out, my mind takes over as these four walls surround me. I try to ease myself by watching some funny videos or doing a little work out but nothing works. I haven't even had the urge to play video games or do commentaries for my Youtube viewers yet I force myself and act like someone I know I'm really am not. I know I'm not myself anymore because I am not care free anymore, happy, dominant that I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished so far......look at me, I'm nothing but a hopeless worthless man.

I hate coming home I dislike coming here. Maybe its because of the way I feel or the fact that my previous actions led me to come back here. I really want to just leave her, run away from it all, run away from myself. I've been sleeping in my car the past few days seeing if that helps but nothing works. Its like I can never run away from this feeling inside me. Have I honestly lost it this time, I am I never coming back? Will I ever come back? Will I ever be saved?

I honestly don't know why I keep writing about how I feel or doing Youtube videos or anything when there is always one simple solution....yet why hasn't it happened........

4/24/12

After a couple of days of pure loneliness and depression I finally had to balls to text her well reply to her texts that she sent the night that I didn't say goodbye. Those past couple days though were not the greatest. I could not get her out of my mind, I cried for her and whenever I thought about her and the guy together I would get upset and angry and punch the wooden stand of my bed. I even did a stupid move and talked to my ex from Virginia to maybe calm me down and make me feel better. Obviously she was being the usual bitchy girl that she is now.

I texted her apologizing for my actions and how pathetic I felt doing it. She even stopped by the store Saturday to drop some rolls of bread which were really good.....I can never get tired of bread rolls hahaha :) But when she stopped by my heart just stopped and gave a huge beat as my eyes widen opened a bit. I ignored her and acted like I was over everything and didn't want to see her again. I never should have done that I should have gone up to her and said "I'm sorry...you don't have to forgive me but I had to at least tell you that" and walk off to finish my shift. I texted her Monday night and apologized to her and well she forgave me....I was glad, overjoyed yet I still felt like I wasn't done there. Luckily she wanted to meet so I went over to where she was and once I got there I was nervous, scared yet regretful for what I did. I was embarrassed as a man to meet her face to face again. I walked up to her as she made a silly joke knowing her lol but I had my face looking slightly away a bit. We walked and sat down on the stairs and talked, made some jokes just like before any of this ever happened. I was nervous to tell her sorry in front of her but she said it first. I told her that none of it was her fault and that I took the risk and should have known it could have happened. Even up to now she still apologized so I gotta remind her about it ^_^

I hugged her before I left to go home. It was 3 in the morning and when our arms was around each other I just didn't want to let go. My heart raced like no other and I left there not just with a smile but a sense that of that I can't be breaking the promise I made to her before. She might still be in love with her ex but still I said I would still be there for her as a friend and be there for her.

There are still many things I have myself to do with my life like follow my dream I have but first I still have to get rid of the little blockades that block my path towards that goal of mine. I'm hoping to get my old job back and make Gamestop a small part time job again like I did before. I want to make off all the debts I have and finally be at peace with that. I want to be able to finally move out from my parents home like I did 3 years ago and maybe even go back to school to have at least some type of degree. I felt like the events that happened this past week have opened my eyes and have made me more determined to reach those goals and to stay by her side no matter what happens to me.

4/19/12

MY FIRST BLOG EVER!

I've been wanting to blog about my life and my feelings for a while now because I feel like others in the world might understand how this one person, myself feels. So please bear with me because I'm just going to write out whatever comes into my mind...

Lately I feel like everything has gone down the drain, mainly my heart and feelings for this one girl. I met her threw my current job Gamestop. I thought to myself "Hey! She seems like a person I could be friends with, why not be open again like I used to be" and I did. We talked, texted each other. She would send me retarted ones but I thought they were funny. Then one day she wanted to hang out at her place which was a huge surprise to me because it was so sudden so I said yes. I was nervous because I had to see her folks for the first time so i'm like "Ok be respectful, kind and yourself". Everything went well that night, we talked watched some tv and then we fell asleep on her bed! I woke up the next morning concerned because I didn't want to get her in trouble or make myself look bad in front of her folks. Nothing really happened and I went home.

I went back a few times getting to know her more. I learned that she just got out of a relationship so i'm like ok imma just comfort her and try to make her happy and not worry about her ex and all. That is where my mistake started. Me and her got really close, we looked like a couple to be honest. I started getting feelings more, we hung out a whole lot more, ate at restaurants, went out to the club and danced. She was shy but she broke it :) I even took her out for Valentines Day, got her a jewelry box and a necklace to go with it. I wrote something on both yet I can't remember them. I know the necklace which was heart shaped said "And It Belongs To You". Yeah I know "awwwwww" from any girls reading this haha. My feelings for her got stronger and stronger. I even lost my virginity to her because I felt like she was gonna be the one. I'm currently 22 years old. We were great for the few months that we were like this.

Come last week she starts remembering her ex, how she felt like it was meant to be that they were gonna have a future together, you know all that stuff. She regretted all the things she did with that person. She started telling me she didn't feel uncomfortable with some of the things we did which upset me and not in the negative way but in the way which i'm like "okay, you need your space I'm sorry if we rushed things to quickly". Then just a couple days ago she just wanted to be friends and not like a couple-ish type thing like best friends with benefits if you wanna say it like that. I was hurt and really sad about it but seeing as how I can overcome sadness like this due to my past I stayed positive and try to work it out. We hung out a few times even made her tacos that she loved the last time I made her some. I love cooking so I really didn't mind it at all.

Last night she was feeling upset about her ex and that fact that her mother had texted her which didn't make the situation any better. I asked her if she wanted to take a walk around the apartments b/c she was staying at her friends house and she said yes. We walked around, talked about what happened and basically the question I was gonna ask her was answered before I can even say it. She would go back with him........I stayed quiet as we walked with mixed feelings inside me. I felt like it was all a waste of time, like I was used but I think every guy feels like that way when you really liked a girl that much. She wanted me to talked but I kept saying "There's nothing more I wanna say to you" We sat on some grass and she started crying. I don't know if it was because of me, her ex or the face that she hurt me and she knew it. I stood their looking at the pool which was being shined by a lamp post, if not the dark gloomy sky as the wind blew. I felt rain drops so I begged her to get up and go back to the car of her friends. We went to the car and listened to music for about an hour or two. I was sitting their debating weather to stay as just a friend or just leave......I left without saying goodbye.

I always wondered to myself, am I gonna stay like this forever where I meet someone and then it all just ends just like that. Am I doing something wrong to make it always end this way. Sometimes I think of myself as a giver more then a receiver. I'm way to nice to people sometimes and yet I feel like its my curse. I enjoy helping people but I never ask for anything back and when I mean helping people I mean always being their for them, helping them in their troubles. I feel like I have some much bottled up inside me that I wish I could just rip it out of myself and throw it away. I'm not upset with her or anyone really mainly just because its not their fault. I took the risk and well this is how it ended up. Maybe one day this curse of mine that I have can finally be broken but for now I just have to move on and keep going towards my dream.